Welcome to the first-ever Vince McMahon Bull-Honky free, WWE Monday Night RAW review.
I know, I know, I’m as surprised as you, but after the Royal Rumble delivered on so many levels, and with no Rusev or Bobby Lashley in sight, I was feeling good.
That’s not to say there weren’t moments that I disliked but goddamn it, Edge is back, so short of him coming out and kicking a puppy this was always going to be Bull-Honky free.
So let’s get to it, shall we?
It’s time to lace up our boots and head to the ring.
2 On 1 Handicap Match: The OC vs. Drew McIntyre
I’ve mentioned before how I’m not the biggest fan in the world when it comes to kicking off any wrestling show with a promo, but at least this one made sense.
Drew McIntyre won the Royal Rumble, so it made perfect, logical, sense to have him head to the ring and talk about it.
When he was finished talking he offered out anyone in the back for a fight and The Good Brothers answered his call.
This was an alright scrap, as most of them were on the show.
It wasn’t groundbreaking by any stretch of the imagination but served the purpose of getting The Scottish Psychopath over as a legitimate threat to Brrrrrrrrrrock Lesnar at Wrestlemania.
Drew picked up the win as you would expect and then The Beast Incarnate showed up and F5’d him out of his boots.
As I said, nothing special but it did the job.
Winner: Drew McIntyre
Rey Mysterio vs. MVP
Out of all the legends that they could’ve had show up for the Royal Rumble, MVP was the most underwhelming.
Nothing against Montel Vontavious Porter, but he was never really that big a star, at least in my eyes, so after he got eliminated Sunday, I thought that that was it.
So imagine my surprise when he showed up Monday Night.
I’m not sure what to make of this.
He seems in good shape, can still go in the ring, and then he lost.
This doesn’t make any sense to me.
Maybe I’m missing something but if MVP is back for good, then surely he should’ve beaten Rey-Rey which could’ve set up a feud going into Wrestlemania?
Perhaps his one and done was actually a two and done and we won’t be seeing him back in a WWE ring anytime soon, or they might have just brought him back as enhancement talent, which would just be wrong.
I have no idea and am very confused by the whole situation.
It makes my brain cry.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
Aleister Black vs. Kenneth Johnson
Aleister Black squashes Jobber then sits cross-legged in the ring and warns the WWE locker room that from now on, he picks the fights.
RAW Tag-Team Titles Match: Seth Rollins And Buddy Murphy vs. Kevin Owens And Samoa Joe
This was never going to end with the titles changing hands.
That’s just a fact.
There was no way that with Wrestlemania on the horizon and with none of these competitors in line for a championship bout at the Show of Shows, was the WWE going to do anything other than stretch this out until Apr. 5th.
But that’s fine with me.
I’m fully behind the Monday Night Messiah kick that Seth Rollins is currently on, even if I do think the way they went about turning him heel over social media was a really stupid idea, and Buddy Murphy has always deserved more than 205 Live.
As for KO and Joe, well they’re always gold.
The way the Samoan Submission Machine looked genuinely annoyed with Seth Rollins as he twisted his arm to start the match had me in stitches, and then when Joe punched him straight in the mouth I couldn’t help but cheer.
You throw Kevin Owens into that mix, with his fast-talking loud mouth actions and here is a tag team that I wouldn’t be surprised to see walk away with the titles at Wrestlemania.
The match became a 2 on 1 after Joe mistimed a dive through the ropes and landed quite hard on his head, which has apparently given him a concussion, and even though he tried his hardest it was always a numbers game and one Kevin Owens would lose.
Get better soon, Joe.
Winners And Still RAW Tag Team Champions: Seth Rollins And Buddy Murphy
WWE United States Title Match: Humberto Carrillo vs. Andrade
If the MVP situation makes my brain cry, then the Andrade situation makes it turn into the Jackie Chan WTF meme.
It seems the United States Champion is in violation of the WWE Wellness Policy, which means he’s been told to go home for the next 30 days and think about what he’s done.
Now, usually in a situation like this, they write the offending person out of the storyline, as they did here by having Humberto drop him with a vicious Hammerlock DDT, before stripping them of any titles they may hold.
Which they haven’t done, yet.
I know the company is high on Andrade, no pun intended, and this couldn’t have come at a worse time for them as this feud was going to be the money maker.
But unless something changes over the next few days, then he’s taking the belt with him.
This can’t be what’s best for business, taking one of the only titles that’s defended on a regular basis on RAW and having it just vanish into the ether?
Hopefully, they’ve got something up their sleeve here or else the head of steam that has built up between the two is just going to go away and, considering how short term most wrestling fans memories can be these days, will be impossible to get back.
Winner By DQ: Humberto Carrillo
Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka
Usually, if the WWE has two matches in a row ending in a DQ my Vince McMahon Bull-Honky alarm would be going off so loudly that you could hear it all the way to Stamford.
Yet, this made perfect sense.
They’d finally managed to build Asuka back up to being seen as a legitimate threat within the company so to have her come out here, interrupting The Queen and causing an impromptu bout, only to lose two nights running, then all that hard work would’ve been for nothing.
This was also my Fight of the Night as I never tire of seeing these wrestlers in action and even though there were a few off moments, there was enough quality on show here to remind everyone that both should be seen as challengers to Becky Lynch’s throne.
Just when it looked like Charlotte had the Figure 8 all ready to lock in, Kari Sane dropped that amazing elbow and we had ourselves another DQ win, but one I am all for.
Winner By DQ: Charlotte
24/7 Title Match: Mojo Rawley vs. No Way Jose
I cannot even begin to tell you how little I care about this title or the people involved.
Suffice to say, Mojo squished No Way Jose, R-Truth snuck in and rolled Mojo up to win the title, Mojo leveled Truth and we’re back to where we started.
Winner: Mojo Rawley.
Losers: Everyone Who Had To Sit Through This Pointless Crap
Lana vs. Liv Morgan
If you’re a regular reader of my RAW Review column, then you’ll know I’d rather have my foreskin removed by a cheesegrater than have to sit through this goddamn storyline each and every week.
Luckily for me, and my aforementioned member, this time out we got an actual match between Lana and Liv Morgan, that just underlined how wasted the latter is in amongst all this shit.
Lana couldn’t wrestle her way out of a paper bag, but Liv can and deserves to be hovering around either the RAW or SmackDown title picture, instead of being dragged down into the quagmire that is an old school Vince McMahon love quadrangle.
My hope here is that she’s allowed to put in enough wrestling over the next couple of months that somebody, somewhere realizes just what a talent they have on their hands and moves her into the limelight.
Winner: Liv Morgan
Erick Rowan vs. Branden Vice
Erick Rowan murders yet another Jobber.
Winner: Erick Rowan
Edge Returns To Monday Night RAW!!!!
When Edge retired back in 2011, I shed a tear.
The Rated R Superstar has always been one of my favorite performers to set foot inside a wrestling ring, all stemming from the wars that he and Christian used to have with The Hardy’s and The Dudley’s.
So when he was forced to hang up his boots I, like a lot of fans, was gutted.
Then at this Sunday’s Royal Rumble, his music hit and I lost my f*cking mind and when it all seemed to be a little bit too much for him as he made his way down the ramp, I shed another tear.
I felt pretty much the same way as he came bursting out from the back on RAW, high fiving the commentary team and drinking in every second, and when he hit the ring and laid out how he was going to go out on his own terms this time, there wasn’t a dry eye in the Gray household.
Sure, Randy Orton came down and spoilt the party in the most brutal way, which I’ll get to in a bit, but having Edge back in the fold, home as he called it, is the kind of feeling that even Daniel Bryan’s return couldn’t give me.
This wasn’t a home run by any stretch of the imagination, but the real talking point of this show is Edge and Randy Orton.
There is nobody else I’d want to see the Rated R Superstar have his comeback feud with than The Viper.
These two are close friends and if you need a safe pair of hands to guide Edge and his surgically reconstructed neck through, then you should look no further than the master of the RKO.
It’s going to be a top-quality feud, of that I have no doubt, and I’ll probably shed even more tears when Edge picks up the win at Wrestlemania, but I’ll also wince every time he goes in for a spear or takes any kind of bump to the back of his head.
The WWE isn’t stupid though and will make sure he’s well protected and if the rumors are to be believed and he really has signed a three-year contract, this could be one hell of a ride and will see him truly go out on his own terms.