There was much ado about everything on this week’s episode! The long, drawn-out scenes of the past were replaced by action going on all over — we cut from Las Vegas to Twin Peaks to the FBI. A few seconds of Jerry Horne then a few more of Dougie then BAM! Back in Vegas and just as quickly out again. It feels as though everything just might be coming together! Or maybe not, because one thing I’ve learned with this show is to EXPECT NOTHING. Let’s jump in!
VIVA LAS VEGAS: Candie, one of the pink ladies who act as some sort of harem to the Mitchum Brothers, chases a fly around the room and swats at it with a red handkerchief. I cannot understand how a grown woman believes that she can kill a fly with a flimsy piece of linen. BUT SHE TRIES ANYWAY. Once she realizes the futility of this exercise, she picks up a remote control and smashes the fly to death when it lands on Rodney Mitchum’s head. Cue lots of screaming and crying. Rodney is hurt and bleeding, but Candie is almost inconsolable over her thoughtless mistake. After this incident, the Mitchum Brothers hang out in the den and watch a news report on tv about Ike the Spike’s attack on Dougie Jones and subsequent arrest.
The mysterious Mr. Todd calls upon Anthony the Underhanded Insurance Agent (how does Mr. Todd even KNOW Anthony?) to tell the Mitchum Brothers that Dougie Jones is responsible for their 30 million dollar insurance claim loss. This is actually a pretty ingenious way for Mr. Todd to take care of the Dougie Problem. Why is Dougie so difficult to kill anyway? It’s amusing how these high level assassins and gangsters are losing sleep over how to murder a man who can’t even put a tie on properly. Anthony stops in at the casino to deliver the message to the Brothers, telling them how Dougie is responsible for all of their insurance woes, that he has a ‘personal vendetta’ against them, and he leaves them with the ominous ‘You have an enemy in Douglas Jones’. Back in the Brothers’ den, they make plans to set up a meeting with Dougie tomorrow. Whatever happens, this is not going to end well at all for SOMEONE.
DOUGIE DOES DALLAS: Janey-E finally (!!!) gets Dougie to the doctor’s office, where the doctor is amazed at Dougie’s recent, sudden incline in health. AN ASIDE: This doctor sucks. A man does not lose a significant amount of weight in three days time. Not only that, but a man does not go from paunchy and slovenly to fairly buff in three days either. Someone needs to revoke this doctor’s medical license immediately. BACK TO OUR STORY: Janey-E and Dougie are back at home. And damn, she is horny. Somehow she manages to seduce him and get him naked in bed, where she rides him like she’s a lonesome cowgirl and he’s a bucking bronco. This is the most bizarre, awkward, hilarious sex scene I have ever seen in my life. Dougie flails his arms wildly with a ridiculous grin on his face while Janey-E screams so loud that she wakes up poor Sonny Jim who had been sleeping downstairs. Dougie’ post-coital ear-to-ear smile has to be seen to be believed.
WEIRD SCENES INSIDE THE GOLDMINE: Gordon Cole sits alone in his hotel room, drawing a picture of some sort of reindeer with a hand reaching out to it. He gets up to answer a knock at the door and who is standing there but A CRYING VISION OF MISS LAURA PALMER. I admit, this was just about the last thing that I expected to see. Why did Gordon see Laura at his door? He’s never even met her before. What could this vision possibly mean? As the Laura specter fades, it is revealed that Albert is the one who knocked on the door. Could this be a bad omen for Albert’s future? Albert tells Gordon about the text that Diane received at the morgue and the text that she sent in return about (presumably) the FBI getting ready to take William Hastings to ‘the site’. I’m not sure how or why Diane assumed that the FBI would take Hastings anywhere, unless something happened offscreen that we are not aware of yet OR I suppose there is the slim possibility that Diane isn’t evil after all? And just when you think things can’t possibly get more bizarre, Agent Preston shows up with a photograph of Bad Cooper talking to what looks like an Asian man, both of them standing outside the mysterious glass box in NYC. I imagine that Bad Cooper is responsible for the box experiment and the apparent attempt to capture good Cooper when he came out of the Lodge. I’m still not sure how the murderous creature that came out of the box in Part One figures into any of this, though. But it’s starting to come together, isn’t it?
THE BAD SEED: Everyone’s favorite malcontent, Richard Horne, stops by to verbally harass Miriam about her witnessing the hit and run. Instead of doing the smart thing and just saying she won’t tell anyone about it, she mentions a letter she sent to the sheriff that implicates Richard in the accident. Predictably, Richard freaks out. He storms his way into Miriam’s trailer and beats her within an inch of her life. When he is through with her, I don’t believe she is quite dead yet but she is laying on the floor in a pool of blood next to an open oven that is emitting gas. Not a good combination. Richard then calls his buddy and Cop of the Year Chad to make sure that Miriam’s letter never reaches Sheriff Truman.
Richard’s next stop on his World Assault Tour is at his grandmother’s house. Johnny Horne sits strapped to a chair while a teddy bear with a flickering light bulb head repeats ‘Hello Johnny. How are you today?’ over and over in a robotic voice. I cannot grasp how this teddy bear thing is actually helping Johnny. If someone strapped me to a chair and shoved a repetitious teddy bear bulb in front of me, it would be a one-way ticket to madness. Richard bursts in and demands money from his grandmother Sylvia. When she refuses to give it to him, he starts physically assaulting her, throwing her to the floor while Johnny freaks out over the intrusion and falls onto the floor, still strapped to his chair. Richard steals all of the money from Sylvia’s safe and purse, then he’s out the door and presumably on his way out of town. He pauses in the doorway just long enough to call his grandmother a cunt, which is probably the worst thing you can say to your grandmother unless she’s Italian and you criticize her lasagna recipe.
NEVER A DULL MOMENT: Elsewhere in town, Chad manages to intercept Miriam’s letter to the sheriff, but Lucy seems to realize that something is amiss. The Log Lady calls Hawk again with a cryptic message about electricity and the circle almost being complete and about how ‘Laura is the one’. Sylvia Horne calls Ben about Richard’s recent visit, expecting him to send her money to replace some of what was stolen from her. Can we assume that Ben and Sylvia are divorced now? A drugged-up Steven threatens and abuses Becky in their trailer while Carl Rodd strums and sings an old folk song outside (and we finally got to see that coffee cup go flying through a window, which we were promised way back in 2014 when they first announced The Return). Dr. Jacoby continues his extremist Internet show as Nadine watches lovingly from inside her ‘Run Silent, Run Drapes’ shop. She acts like she is so proud and almost in love with Jacoby as he rails against the system. Wouldn’t it be funny and pretty cool if she and he were an item after all this time? They’re creepy and they’re kooky, so it would be a pretty good love connection if that’s the case. Jerry Horne continues his epic forest freak-out, yelling out to no one in particular ‘You can’t fool me, I’ve been here before’. I really really am starting to believe that he is somewhere near Glastonbury Grove and that his drug high is making him aware of the ‘other side’.
The episode ends with a prolonged scene at The Roadhouse. Rebekah Del Rio sings ‘No Stars’ and I could probably watch her sing this about three times a day and not get sick of it. I don’t believe I’ve ever watched a television show where I loved the music more than the music on Twin Peaks. David Lynch needs to start his own record company, if people do that sort of thing anymore. I wish I lived in a world where this kind of music was popular and being played on Top 40 radio. How do I live in a country where people would rather listen to Rihanna slur her way through a song than listen to the beautiful and heartbreaking voice of Miss Del Rio? I JUST DON’T GET IT.
MORE THINGS THAT HAPPENED:
— The more I think about Miriam writing a letter to the sheriff, the more I can’t believe that MIRIAM WROTE A LETTER TO THE SHERIFF. Are we in Mayberry? If I witnessed a hit and run, literally the last thing I would do is sit at home and start writing ‘It has come to my attention that…’
— It’s funny that Dr. Jacoby is very much against exploitation of the people, yet he supplements his income by selling useless golden shovels to his followers. He is basically a part of the problem that he is speaking out against.
— I am so glad that I don’t live in Las Vegas. 111 degrees? You gotta be kidding me. I would have to be running about four air conditioners in the room in order to feel comfortable, and I can’t afford that kind of electric bill.
— Where can I find a small harem of girls to follow me around and fancifully touch everything? They will also serve me drinks and perform sexual favors. The Mitchum Brothers have good lives.
— Well now we can pretty much assume that Audrey Horne is Richard’s mother. Oh my dear sweet Audrey! How did you ever give birth to this monster? Audrey hasn’t even been seen in The Return yet but then if I had a son like Richard, I’d probably move far away as possible too.
— There is a short scene where Gordon and Agent Preston watch Albert and Constance the Coroner verbally copulate over dinner. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before, those two are perfect for each other! It’s nice to see two adults enjoying each other’s company so much, especially since there was a lot of ugliness and brutality in this episode. Can love win out over the darkness? I truly hope so.
That’s all, folks! Overall, this was a peculiar episode. We saw nothing of Bad Cooper or the sheriff department’s investigation of the Zone and Major Briggs. But it feels as though all the pieces are moving into place. But for the love of God, will somebody find out that Dougie is Cooper? There’s just 8 episodes left, people. Hang loose Haoles, and I will see you next week!
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