A Twin Peaks Christmas Carol

 What you’re about to read is completely ridiculous and may or may not make you laugh. If it doesn’t, I’ll go back in time and attempt to stop myself from writing it. 


 

“Audrey, what is this all about? It’s the middle of the night and I’m soooooo sleepy. Can’t this wait until morning?” Charlie says as he rubs his sleepy eyes. “Hey dumbass, I’m the Marley to your Scrooge and tonight is about to be a long night for you,” Audrey snaps at Charlie. “How can you be the Marley to my Scrooge Audrey? You aren’t even dead. You’re trapped in the Lodge or a psych ward or somewhere else that David Lynch refuses to elaborate on. This story doesn’t work. I’m going to end this story too.” Audrey cuts Charlie off before he can finish his threat. “The only thing that’s going to end Charlie is your douche bag behavior or you’re going to wind up just like me and trust me, David Lynch won’t tell you shit about it. Unlike me though, you won’t get a top-notch sendoff scene Charlie, you can trust me on that! Now behave yourself when the ghosts come to visit you tonight you bald prick!”

Who would the Ghost of Peaksmas Past be, you ask? None other than Benjamin Horne himself. Ben visits Charlie in the night, showing Charlie a time when he was more innocent and less sleepy, a time when Charlie wasn’t threatening to end everyone’s story in sight. “Charlie, you are my son in law…I think. You have to know my past. Don’t continue down this road and make the same mistakes I did. I have all the money in the world and nobody to share it with. I sit all alone in my hotel, the business I was supposed to run with my brother and my children and yet none of them are with me today. It’s not too late for you Charlie,” Ben passionately states. “Thanks Ben. Should I call you Dad?” Charlie appears to be moved by Ben’s words. “Absolutely not Charlie but please consider the things that I said,” Ben says as he rushes off before Charlie attempts to hug him.

Charlie starts to fall back asleep when he is again visited by a ghost – this time the Ghost of Peaksmas Present, Deputy Chad. “Listen Charlie, I don’t want to be here. I don’t care if you have a change of heart or not. I’m going to show you some stuff and then hopefully get out of here in time to deflate Andy’s tires before he wakes up. That guy is a real prick , Mr. Good Cop Andy,” Chad pulls out his phone and checks Twitter, completely forgetting why he’s there. “Deputy Chad, why are you here then?’ Charlie asks. “That woman with the log – who is a real ghost – came to my house and told me if I didn’t do this she’d haunt me forever. So now I’m stuck here with you. Anyway, look at this shit Charlie.” Charlie begins to see a vision of young Steven Burnett graduating high school in what was undoubtedly the greatest moment of his young life. The vision grows dark from there – drug abuse, violence towards his wife, depression and ultimately Charlie sees Steven putting a gun to his own head. “Chad, we have to help him! He’s going to kill himself! Chad, what are we going to do?” Charlie was gravely concerned for young Steven. A single tear dropped down Charlie’s cheek as he wondered what happened to the high school graduate whose young life appeared to be heading towards an untimely end. Charlie didn’t want to see Steven’s story end. “Wait, you actually care about this junkie loser? I gotta go Charlie, I’ve got Rhonda over at Fat Trout hitting me up in the DM’s.” Charlie found himself alone and for the first time in a long time, concerned about someone else.

“You’re going to die alone Charlie. Nobody, not even my niece, is going to be there to say goodbye. Can I get a glass of water?”  Charlie wakes to Jerry Horne sitting Indian style on his floor, naked. “Jerry, you have to help me. I don’t want to die alone. I want to be a good man. Jerry, please help me. I don’t want my story to end like this. Wait, why are you naked?” Charlie asks. “Don’t worry man, I’ll help you. Just relax,” Jerry says as he hands a joint to a dark figure sitting next to him. “Gotta light?” the Woodsman says to Jerry as they completely forget that they have a sobbing Charlie in the room with them. “Let’s get out of here man,” Jerry says to the Woodsman and their departure has Charlie emotionally devastated. Charlie is convinced there is no hope for him. He will die alone – or worse yet, be stuck in an unknown fate like his dear wife Audrey. Charlie thought about when he met Audrey and how much he loved her. He always disliked Richard – he called him “Little Dick” under his breath every chance he could – but he loved Audrey. Where did things go wrong? Charlie in that moment decided to end his own story and reached for the gun he kept in his desk drawer. Charlie thought about poor Steven as he put the gun to his chin when a voice rang out: “I can help you Charlie. Let me help you.” Charlie opened his eyes and saw a devilishly handsome man with a striped wool sweater step out of the dark and into the light. “Charlie, my name is John Justice Wheeler and I’m not a ghost – I’m your guardian angel.” Charlie set the gun down and told JJW everything, as JJW kindly and compassionately listened to Charlie, held him as he cried and said “Charlie, let’s just say that I know Audrey very well and I know exactly how you can win her heart again.” JJW stands up and hands Charlie a stripped sweater which Charlie puts on with the world’s largest smile. “Tuck the sweater in Charlie,” JJW says and Charlie gleefully complies. “What do we do now John?’ Charlie asks, with a look of genuine hope on his face. “We go to The Roadhouse Charlie, where your story begins.”


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