Hello Sheriff Truman,
It is 4:01 PM on July 16, 2017. I am calling you today to lodge a complaint about that walking hemorrhoid you call Deputy Chad Broxford.
Before I do, please let me offer my deepest condolences for your recent and terrible loss of your son. Also, I would like to offer my best wishes to your brother Harry with his illness. We in the Koehler household are sending our best thoughts for his speedy recovery. I am so sorry for what you and your family have been, and are going through.
There is no easy segue so if you don’t mind, Sir, I will just get straight to the details of my complaint. I have been keeping a tally of Deputy Chad’s inappropriate and criminal behavior:
- Deputy Chad insulted and belittled our beloved community member Margaret Lanterman. He used ableist and sexist slurs to slander her character just because she’s different. This points to a general disdain for his fellow citizens, and in particular women and the elderly.
- He is not a team player. Upon seeing Deputy Chief Hawk uncovering new evidence in the men’s bathroom, that Internet troll personified Chad threatened to report his colleague’s behavior instead of helping him out. I don’t have proof that this was racially motivated, but based on the content of the rest of Deputy Chad’s character, I would not discount it.
- He continues to eat his foul and stinky frozen meals in the conference room in spite of this being expressly against station policy. I came into the station on Wednesday July 12 to file a police report — hubby’s card was skimmed again and this time for three thousand smackeroos — and Deputy Brennan had to ask him repeatedly to evacuate the room. After making a huge show of leaving, Deputy Chad muttered the phrases “half-wit” and “bitch” under his breath, presumably referring to Deputy Brennan and myself. Unacceptable.
- He mocked your son’s service to this country, as well as his death as a result of that service. That shitwaffle Chad made fun of your son and his pain as if he was somehow weak or less-than because he came home with PTSD from being on front lines of our military presences abroad. I hazard a guess that the most heroic thing that popped pimple Chad has done in his life is complain in a men’s rights activist forum.
- He insulted your wife as well as your own person in front of your staff, again using sexist and ableist slurs. He implied that because your wife is publicly grieving, that makes you somehow less a man. News flash: It certainly does not.
- His foul personality aside, I also must inform you that I saw Deputy Chad take money from drug mule Richard Horne one night at The Roadhouse. Everyone saw it. Not only is Deputy Chad a horrible human being, he is a corrupt cop.
- He represents the banal evil that men do in his words and actions — with so much ugliness in the world right now — and Deputy Chad has no place in Twin Peaks’s esteemed law enforcement community.
I will continue updating this list until something is done about that collection of caligenous junk known as Deputy Chad. He’s a menace to our good society. A menace, I tell you.
Sheriff Truman, we already have too many police officers in this country who operate under impunity while their toxic masculinity and entitlement gives them a free pass for all kinds of bad behavior. It is bad apples like them and Deputy Chad who give law enforcement a stain on its name. Please remove him from active duty immediately before someone gets properly hurt by his actions and/or negligence.
To Deputy Chad’s credit, though, his image featured above is the most effective troll banishing tool I’ve ever found online. He’s so darn awful, even the people who are just like him don’t want to be associated with his punk ass.
Twin Peaks resident since 1998.
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